Pretty Fly (For A Hentai) Rated R Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass -from Kevin Smith's "Dogma" Warning! Warning! The following Sailormoon fanfic contains graphically stupid sex scenes, ridiculously rampant lesbianism, and very bad puns. This fic was also written on recycled cocktail napkins, and has been child-proofed for your protection. Welcome to the brainchild (which doesn't say much about our combined IQ, does it?) of Scott Summerton, "Emporess" Angie, Andrea Readwolf, Kate Butler and His lordship Chaos. Hentai usually consists of the following: "plot? What plot?" Yes indeed, many a happy Senshi claim it's simply a conveniently gratuitous plot point to the ongoing Sailormoon saga, but we know better. Those shameless soldiers bare all for such fics, and indulge themselves in pairings, menage a trois and all-out orgies...and they have the nerve to not even invite the authors to join in most of the time. Well today, you're about to read a fanfic that will look at all these Sailormoon hentai clichés...and still happily use them. And this goes on for pages! Pretty tedious, don't you think? Yet these authors are ones who take their work so seriously, that if a Senshi's part isn't going right, the authors are dedicated enough to do that sex scene themselves! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the tongue in cheek (among other places ^^) humour. But don't say we didn't warn you. PRETTY FLY (FOR A HENTAI) A Sailormoon Lemon Mockumentary Once upon a time, a bunch of Sailormoon authors had nothing better to do than to run rampant across Tokyo, and snag a number of hapless Senshi for their uber-gratuitous lemonfic. How did they manage to cross through the 4th Wall and defy all laws of temporal physics by self-inserting themselves into a pseudo-reality created by manga artist Naoko Takeuchi? Hey, come on, it's just a fanfic. We're not rocket scientists here. Anyhoo, hentai (otherwise known as: a lot of nekkid girls having sex) fanfiction was the last thing on their minds...at least that's what we'd like to claim. But then we'd be lying, and how could we possibly exaggerate or stretch the truth in a lemonfic? Like any good Sailormoon hentai authors, we have our integrity to uphold! Incidentally, did we forget to mention that our contributing author, Scott Summerton, has a nine inch-long-- Scott: [whacking His lordship Chaos upside the back of the head] "Will you cut that out?!" --bonsai tree in his bedroom. Happy now? So before our train of thought crashes into the little engine that could, let's get back to what all you readers came here for: gratuitous nekkid Senshi scenes! But before we reward you with something remotely lemon-scented, there's some half-assed plot exposition we have to throw in first. Suckers! "Why must you do such perverted things?" Scott calmly demanded as he and his co-author walked down the streets of the Jyuban district. "Emporess" Angie gave him a pointed look. "Yes, why...asks the author who's seen Makoto's 'scarf' from our "When Plutos Attack!" series, and feigns innocence." Scott pouted and indignantly crossed his arms over his chest. "You're just jealous, that's all. Besides, I was in Amy's body at the time." "We seriously have to initiate you into the original Japanese version, dubboy," Angie sighed. She then consulted her checklist of victims--er, guests for their proposed SM hentaific. "Okay, first we pick up Rei-chan, then we hop over to Mamoru's. After that, we can take a turn--" "I don't think so!" Scott exclaimed, snagging the checklist from Angie. He quickly consulted the list. "Hey, I don't see Lita on here." "First off, it's Makoto. Forget DiC here, Scott. And don't you think you've 'seen' enough of her already?" Angie inquired. A wistful if not stupid grin appeared on Scott's face. "That I did, Angie. That I did. But I also got more than enough of Serena and Darien too. And speaking of, just why do we have to hunt down the Scouts for a lemon-flavoured fanfic anyways? What's our motivation here?" "How the hell should I know?" Angie retorted. "This is a hentai! Nothing coherent is supposed to happen! It's all about mindless sex and shameless nudity, so who are we to argue?" Scott couldn't help but show his admiration for his co-author. "Gee...you just make it sound so romantic, that I'm speechless. Really, I am." "Hush, Mako-worshipper. We're at the Fire River Temple." The two authors stared up at the enormous Torii at the top of the stairs. Somewhere on these grounds was the first Senshi they would have to abduct--er, recruit for their planned Sailormoon hentaific. But as almighty authors (all hail their self-inserted God complex!), victory was surely theirs. After all, not only did they have a foolproof plan, but they also came armed with the handy author's secret weapon! Scott: "Duct tape?" Angie: [bopping Scott with a henshin] "No, you moron! The script!" Scott: [???] "Since when did we have a script?" Pulling out the pan-dimensional script from her back pocket, Angie started flipping through the pages to find out where they were and what they were supposed to do. "Here we are!" she announced, letting her finger follow the lines as she scanned down the page. "According to this, we find Rei at the sacred fire, and...I'm going to get groped by Rei's perverted grandfather?!" And sure enough, like a moth to a flame, Rei's perverted grandfather leapt onto the scene...and into Angie's bosoms too. "Welcome to the Fire River Temple!" his muffled voice filtered out through her cleavage. "How can I help you?" At the risk of stating the obvious, Angie did not really appreciate that. And her elbow jab was more than happy to relay this fact to Rei's grandfather. Scott winced as a large, smoking crater was left in the ground, the grandfather's stumpy legs sticking out from the epicentre. "Ouch. I think he's going to be feeling that for the next season." Scott paused after he said that. "Come to think of it, what season are we in, anyways?" "Does it matter?" Angie asked, dusting herself off. She motioned for Scott to follow her across the shrine grounds. Scott nodded, hoping that she was following some sort of map of the place. "Actually, yes. If this is in either the first season or in the R season, we'll be minus the Outer Scouts." Angie froze, her eyes widening. "No sexy blonde Haruka?! Perish the thought, Scott! And for the last time, it's SENSHI! They are sexy female warriors, not girl guides." The two headed for one of the side buildings, and quietly stepped in through one of the fusama screens. The hallway they walked down was deserted, but Angie pointed to one of the other sliding screens. "She's in here, communing with the sacred fire." Scott nodded and slid open the screen. On the other side of the room, Rei was being the proper Shinto priestess as she sat before the sacred fire in prayer. "She looks kinda cute like that," Scott remarked to Angie. When he got no response, he turned and groaned at the now Bambi-eyed fangirl. "Rei-chan no kawaii!" Angie murmured dreamily. Suddenly Rei leap up and exclaimed, "I sense an evil presence!" A demon ward was in her hands as she shouted out her incantation, and then flung it right at them. "Akuryou Taisen!" Both Scott and Angie were rather surprised at this turn of events, and only had enough time to exchange puzzled glances before the demon ward smashed into Scott's groin. At the risk of again stating the obvious, Scott went down pretty fast. "Did I get the demon?" Rei asked, cautiously approaching the authors. Angie looked down at the twitching Scott, who was now curled up in a fetal position and muttering incoherently. "Oh, you got him all right. Both of 'em." Seeing that she had harmed a human (as opposed to some naughty tentacle demon who just might have attacked her because she was feeling a might tired that day) Rei knelt down next to Scott. "Gomen nasai," she apologized, cradling his head in her arms. "It's just that when you walked into the room, I sensed an evil presence that was looking for me." "Aw, I'm sure he's fine," Angie insisted. "Say, Rei-chan, we were wondering if you could host a Senshi sex romp for us today." Rei gawked at Angie. And dropped Scott's head back onto the hardwood floor. "OW!" Scott exclaimed, managing to stagger back onto his legs. He grabbed hold of Angie's arm and yanked her aside. "Look, you just can't go and tell the Scouts we're here to exploit them for a lemon!" he hissed. Scott glanced over his shoulder and flashed a reassuring smile to a somewhat cynical Rei. "We have to at least make this seem like a natural occurrence." "So I'll just have to convince her then." Angie's face broke out in a wide smile. "Let me rummage through the toybox--" "NO!" her partner in crime squeaked, a bit too loudly. The sweatdrops above Rei's head were multiplying and threatening to drench her as watched the would-be lemon artists debate. "Let me take a swing at it first," Scott said. "It's safer than letting she-who-drools-over-Mars do it..." "Fine. Be my guest." She stuck her tongue out at him and sulked. "But remember we've got a schedule to keep here. If she's not naked in five minutes, I'm taking over." Scott's eyebrow twitched. "Gee, thanks for that vote of confidence." He took a deep breath and psyched himself up, still not fully believing that he had gotten out of bed for this. With a sure if not suave bounce in his step, he strolled over to Rei. And then choked. "Um, you look very pretty in that...priestess' uniform," he stammered. "What...er...um...how do you look out of it?" "Pervert!" Rei exclaimed, slapping Scott across the face. Yet despite getting smacked onto the floor, Scott bounced back and still managed to keep that sincere smile on his face. "What? It's not like you're going to be the only one there." Rei got very indignant at that, and immediately punted Scott across the room. She then hoisted a pan-dimensional mallet out from behind her back, and proceeded to hunt the hapless author down. Rei: [irate Sailor Soldier mode] "You dare make me your sex toy?!" Scott: [frantic author mode] "No! Not me! We're working with the other Scouts too!" Angie: ^-^ "Rei-chan's so sexy when she's angry!" Rei: [fuming] "So you're trying to look big and score with ALL my friends too?! ENEMY TO ALL WOMEN!!!" Scott: o.O "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!! She's gone homicidal!" Angie: "Smite him for calling you a 'Scout', too!" Scott: [must go faster!] "Must you encourage her intent to render me two- dimensional?!" Angie: [shrug] "I always thought all the author avatars in lemons were two-dimensional." Just when it looked like Scott was going to blow the whole...no, that's too much a double-entendre, given this fic. Just when it looked like Scott was going to screw...no, that doesn't work either. How about, just when it looked like Scott was going to fuck things up...woah! And that one REALLY doesn't work! Anyways, Angie stepped in and pushed Scott aside. Fortunately, the sacred fire broke his fall. "I'll handle this," she said. "Watch and learn how a real fic temptress works, Scott." "Okay...." Scott warbled, gingerly bandaging up his torched li'l body. Angie: "You know, Rei-chan, sailor orgies are all the rave these days." Rei: [confused] "They are?" Angie: "Why don't you try it?" Rei: [resisting] "No! I must remain pure!" Angie: "All your friends are doing it." Rei: "I still don't--" Angie: "Usagi too." Rei: o.O "Really?" Angie: "Yes, really. She was saying how she'd love to hear you moan in ecstasy tonight. So what do you say?" Upon hearing that, Rei instantly agreed. In fact, she was thrilled to be a part of the fic and set off to prep one of the vacant rooms on the shrine grounds for everyone else's arrival. "Well, that was some iron-clad resolve she showed us," Scott glibly remarked, surprised that Rei had so willingly volunteered to the lemonfic. "How'd you pull it off in under sixty seconds, Angie?" "Standard Sailormoon cliché," Angie replied with a catlike grin. "That stock Usagi/Rei tryst thing works every time." "And I suppose the fact that it's your favourite duo had nothing to do with it?" Scott asked. The ecchi-girl made a little V-sign and giggled. "Of course it did! As if a Rei-chan in one of my creations could resist!" Scott groaned and shook his head. "Somewhere, Chris Davies is laughing his head off." Angie grabbed a hold of his hand and dragged him out of the temple. "That's enough of your sarcasm! Next!" * * * "So what are all the Senshi doing at Rei's tonight?" Minako asked, seated on the edge of her bed. "It's...um...a slumber party!" Scott said, thinking quickly. He flashed Minako another sincere "I'm not a hentai author!" smile. Angie gave her co-author a pointed look. "You really don't know much about Sailormoon hentai clichés, do you?" "What do you mean?" Scott asked. "LBS," Angie replied matter-of-factly. Minako, completely oblivious to the underlying conspiracy, was more than content to lay back on her bed and imagine what might be going on at tonight's slumber party. Yes indeed...imagine what would be going on. And going off. But if you did that, then we hentai authors wouldn't have an audience. And then where would we be? Scott: "Writing respectable fics?" Angie: [bopping Scott with a rolled-up script] "Hush!" "Ne, I wonder which of my pyjamas I should bring," she mused aloud to herself. Minako sat up on the bed, and looked towards her dresser drawer. Angie stepped in, and waved a black thong in front of Minako's face. "How about this?" "Um...Angie?" Scott said quietly. "That's only a bottom piece." Angie grinned. "I know." Minako remained dubious about the thong. "And just how am I supposed to sleep in that?" "Who said you'd be getting any sleep?" Angie retorted, giving Minako a playful wink. Minako's face lit up and she eagerly grabbed the thong from Angie. "See? LBS works every time," Angie said, proud of their latest recruitment effort. Scott groaned. "What the hell is LBS supposed to mean? You've been driving me crazy with that acronym for the entire scene!" "Ne, how do I look?" Minako called out, sprawled across her bedsheets and striking a 'come hither' pose in her thong. Scott's eyes ballooned out upon seeing just how scantily-clad the Senshi of Love was in her thong. "LBS: Little Blonde Slut," Angie replied. "In many fics, Minako seems to be quite indiscriminate when it comes to her sex partners...or activities." Scott could only shake his head as he watched Minako parade around the bedroom in a half-naked state. "I don't believe this." He abruptly glanced down as he felt something tug on his pant leg. Artemis: ^^ "Can I come too?" Angie & Scott: [punting Artemis out the window!] "NO!!" * * * "I still can't believe you conned Ami into thinking this was going to be an experiment in sleeping patterns," Angie said, shaking her head at Scott as they left Ami's apartment. Scott merely shrugged in his own defense. "I told her it would be an experiment in 'nocturnal activities'; sleep is just one way to pass the night away." "And you claim to be an innocent in all this, you consummate liar," Angie said, ribbing him as they waited for the elevator. "I'm just being unique," Scott insisted. "The usual way to lure Amy into any lemon scene is to do the standard 'sexual repression' thing. Amy gets turned on, discovers how much she likes sex, and turns into a nymphomaniac. But I felt it best to appeal to her intellectual side and use a lot of big words." Angie rolled her eyes. "Show-off." Consulting their list of usual suspects, Scott checked Ami's name off. "So far, there are four Inner Scouts. We've already got Serena--" "Usagi." "Whatever. She's signed on, thanks to us promising her a personal buffet table when she arrives for the orgy." He paused, reviewing the list of names. "Hey! You still haven't put Lita on the list!" "I thought you'd want her spared from this hentaific," Angie remarked. "Besides, if we gunned for any Senshi, it would be Makoto and not Lita." Just then, the elevator doors opened up. "I want Lita in this script," Scott stated emphatically as he stepped inside and pressed the button for the ground floor. Angie couldn't help but smirk at her co-author. "Now who's being self-gratuitous?" Scott crossed his arms over his chest. "You want me to help you with this lemon, or what?" he pressed. "Either Lita's a player, or you do this solo." Angie glowered at him, knowing full well that she needed the extra help if she wanted to properly co-ordinate all the writhing Senshi bodies. And then she suddenly grinned, a diabolical idea spinning through her mind (and almost ready to hit the rinse cycle too!). "Okay, I'll just grab a replacement author or two," she said cheerfully. Scott facevaulted right into the elevator wall. "What?!" Angie pressed the button for the third floor. Moments later the elevator shuddered to a stop, and the doors opened up. And it just so happened, Andrea Readwolf unwittingly stepped into the elevator. Upon realizing that her apartment actually didn't have an elevator, she stopped, blinked, and warily looked around. "Hmm, this doesn't look like my room," she remarked. "Unless they've been downsizing since I left for Georgia... Hey, what are you two doing here?" "Hey, Andrea-chan!" Angie said. "Scott and I were wondering if you wanted to help us in writing a Sailormoon hentaific." Andrea took a deep breath and grimaced. "Actually, this is a realllllly bad time. I have two ten page term papers to write-- conveniently both include sex--and three finals--one about sex-and a portfolio due and...did you say hentaific? As in, Haruka?" A mischievous grin appeared on the university student's face as her eyes brightened. Obviously this was a decision that required much thought and consideration. A real future in the world of academics, versus a bunch of nekkid, sex-crazed Senshi. It took Andrea a good 0.6 seconds to make up her mind. "I'm in!" she said. She and Angie shook hands, and Scott rolled his eyes at the new addition to the crew. "And another innocent fangirl goes 'Hotcha!'," he quipped. "Pay no attention to Mister Good Conscience," Angie retorted, pressing the button to close the elevator doors. "He's the reason Makoto's now being included in the Senshi sex romp." Andrea smirked at Scott. "Always the quiet ones, isn't it?" He frowned. "I like what I like." The elevator came to a stop on the second floor, and the doors opened up. But to everyone's unexpected surprise, yet another Sailormoon fanfic author strolled in. A pyjama-clad Kate Butler groggily ran her fingers through her hair, staring at the others in surprise. "And just what are you doing in my bathroom?" "Floating hentai fanfic," Angie replied immediately. "Care to join us?" "Angie!" Scott exclaimed. "You just can't go around recruiting authors like this! Scouts, I can understand--but you're not supposed to seduce other authors to the dark side of the fics." Angie and Andrea stuck out their tongues at Scott. "If I agree, will you leave my bathroom?" Kate asked, stifling a yawn. Andrea blinked a few times. "Um...that can be arranged." "Okay, count me in," Kate sighed, shrugging her shoulders. Angie and Andrea smirked triumphantly at Scott, having suckered yet another good-intentioned author into a shamelessly gratuitous hentaific. "Don't come crying to me when you need to mop the brain matter from her shattered little mind off the wall when this is all done," Scott stated. The elevator doors closed behind Kate, and the cab shuddered momentarily as it resumed its descent. Idly the foursome of authors stood in the elevator, looking around and not really doing anything at the moment. This is the proverbial lull before the cascade of nekkid flashes, incidentally. All you taking notes on how to write a respectable hentai should scribble that part down, preferably before realizing that "respectable" and "hentai" can't really be used in the same sentence without the word "impossible" showing up in there somewhere. "So what sort of fic are we writing?" Kate asked. "We're looking for a high lemon factor, naturally," Andrea answered. "But nothing too Urotsuki Doji." "Even though it is a classic if not the best hentai Anime ever!" Angie piped up. Scott rolled his eyes. "Dojiphiles of the world, unite." Kate looked puzzled at that. "Urotsuki what?" she asked. That got Angie giggling devilishly. "Oooh! An uninitiated!" "Down girl," Scott said, placing a restraining hand on Angie's shoulder. He turned to Kate. "Trust me, ignorance is bliss when it comes to Doji. This particular fic is meant to feature ridiculous amounts of rampant lesbianism, but no tentacles. RIGHT, Angie?" "Whatever," Angie sighed. Andrea looked over Scott's shoulder and appraised the list. "Hey, not bad! All nine Senshi are slated for appearances." "Yep, but we still need another five confirmations." Scott shook his head. "It will be a miracle if we can get everyone organized to stage the lemonfest at Raye's temple tonight." "Oooh, you use the NA names?" a surprised Kate asked Scott. "But of course!" He winked at her. "Go Dub!" Kate called out merrily. Andrea chose the moment to pull the chibi-Otaku aside for a severe talking to as Angie chased Scott around the elevator with a rolled up script. "Scott no baka! Don't push your whacked-out dub fetish on her!" Angie admonished. "It's not whacked! What's wrong with dubs?" he asked innocently. The answer came in the form of a bokken being broken over his head. "That'll teach him." Andrea said, looking down at the pile of twitching Scott. Kate simply looked sheepish. Andrea then snapped her fingers and demorphed from her kawaii Kaoru costume, losing the character's Budo abilities. Side note here: bonus points for those of you who can guess the Anime cameo mentioned there. Those of you who guess correctly get a cookie. Those of you who guess wrong...well, we're kinda busy with a hentaific right now, so we'll make up a punishment for you later. "He did have a point tho'. We're running behind schedule," she said to the other intact authors. "Then what are we waiting for? Next, on to Haruka and Michiru's house!" Angie boldly proclaimed. "We can grab three Outer Senshi all at once." Kate sweatdropped at that. "Um, why are we bringing little Hotaru into this?" "Don't worry," Angie said soothingly. "According to the script, Hotaru is a happy seventeen year-old. Not to mention a busty 36-D." Scott nodded, scribbling something down on his own copy of the script. Abruptly he paused and set down his pen. "And just how would you know her bra size?" "I'm an author," Angie coyly replied. "It's my job to know these things." And as perfect timing would have it, the elevator doors opened up to allow for Scott and Kate to facevault right into the front lobby. Kate turned to Angie. "You really are a perfectionist for details, aren't you?" "Um...something like that," Angie replied. She giggled to Andrea. "A true author ingenue, and all ours to break!" * * * And so, our heroic if not completely misguided authors set off to the grand house of Haruka and Michiru, which was located on the fringe end of Tokyo. How did these four authors get there, when they didn't own a car, let alone know how to drive on the opposite side of the road in Japan? How the hell should I know? I'm just a narrator. Make something up yourselves! Must we authors do ALL the work for you? Work with us here, people! Work with us! Regardless of the current state of our narrator's raging ego, Scott, Andrea, Kate and Angie all knew that convincing the two Outer Senshi into a lemonfic wouldn't be very hard. At the very least, they didn't have to hide their planned activities. It was more a matter of whether or not Haruka and Michiru felt like having extra company in their lesbian trysts. Seated on their couch, Haruka and Michiru quietly listened to the proposed lemonfic described by the quartet of authors. "So you see," Andrea said, playing the negotiator. She paused to take a sip from her cup of tea. "You will get at least two scenes to yourselves, without any interruption...well, without a lot of interruption, anyway." "And you get to choose your own negligee," Kate added. She glanced over to Haruka and Michiru's "fun" closet. "I myself would go for the black lace one. Brings out your complexion quite nicely, Michiru." She stopped, feeling suddenly exposed as everyone else was now staring at her with blank expressions on their face. Kate blushed. "Well, everyone knows that negligee needs to be aesthetically pleasing." "You lead an interesting double life, don't you, Kate?" Scott said. "Can we also pick which of the cute ladies we get to play with?" Michiru inquired, a knowing smile upon her lips. She was playing their upper hand for all it was worth. Angie sighed. "Okay, you can do the selection thing too. Are you ladies in?" "What do you think, love?" Michiru inquired, turning to her partner. Haruka balked. "I still don't know...." "We'll throw in a bottle of whipped cream," Scott added. "Deal!" the two Outer Senshi chorused. Andrea, Kate and Angie turned to their only male co-author, none of them able to conceal their surprise. "Where did that come from?" Andrea asked. Scott grinned and gave them the V-sign. "I've been taking notes." Turning back to Haruka, Angie smiled. "Trust me: you two won't regret this. By the way, Haruka, you don't...have a sword for this fic, do you?" Confused, Haruka pulled out her Space Sword. "You mean this?" she asked, pointing to the sheathed Talisman. Angie shook her head. "No, not that kind of sword. You know, a...'sword'." She pointed down to her crotch. Haruka: [sweatdrop!] "......" "Not last I checked," Michiru spoke up. Scott and Angie let out a sigh of relief. "That's a good thing," Scott said. "That means this fic won't get weird on us." He glanced warily over at Angie. "The Starlights aren't showing up, are they?" And suddenly appeared in the living room the oversized, demonic head of Andrea-chan. "And what's WRONG with my Seiya-chan?!?!" she growled. Scott fearlessly stood up to his opponent by hiding behind Angie. "Um. Since when did Andrea become such a bishounen worshipper? I thought she liked girls." Angie shook her head in dismay. "I *never* should have shown her my EVA episodes. "Shinji-kun...Kaoru-kun. Mmmmm...." Andrea proceeded to drool over the 14 year old EVA pilots, thusly ignoring the others' sweatdrops. "Forgive me for avoiding the idol gender blenders in this lemon," Angie stated coldly. "Haruka's tomboy, androgynous antics are one thing; changing your genitalia like a pair of pants doesn't rank high on my list of turn-ons, however." "Speak for yourself," Andrea mumbled to herself. Indeed, the Starlights will not be joining us for this fanfic. Otaku everywhere rejoice. Now let us never speak of those icky transsexual Senshi wanna-be's ever again. Andrea: [glaring at the narrator] "I heard that." Hey, who's writing out the fic here? You or me?! Looking around the living room in mild interest, Scott noticed that something--or to be more specific, someone--was missing. "Say, where's Hotaru. She's on the list, but I don't see her running around." "Oh, our Hime-chan?" Michiru drawled. "She's taken over the Tomoe residence for the month, since her father's gone overseas for some university lectures." Angie, Andrea & Scott: ^^ "Really? How...convenient." Kate: "It is?" Scott: [sweatdrop!] "You are SO uninitiated in lemonfics, aren't you?" Kate: "Does it show that much?" Andrea: "Aw, give her a break. At the very least, Kate-chan here shows great taste in negligee!" * * * The next stop for Angie, Scott, Andrea and Kate was naturally at Hotaru's house. "I hope you know what you're doing," Scott said uneasily as he knocked on the door. "Trust me," Angie replied, scoffing at his worries. "The Hotaru we've got for this lemon is mature, well-endowed, and above all--" The front door to the Tomoe residence opened up, and out stepped a leather-clad Mistress Nine. "--a lot different from what I was expecting," Angie finished, eyes wide in surprise. "I've haven't even seen a cow with that much leather," Kate said quietly. Absently toying with her whip, the Dark Messiah looked down at the four stunned authors. "You're not my ten o'clock," Hotaru stated, scowling as she ran a hand through her long raven-dark hair. "Can I help you?" Kate and Scott vehemently shook their heads. Mistress 9 rolled her eyes. "Well then, if you'll excuse me, I have other ladies waiting. The Witches 5 have been very naughty girls this season, and in the name of Saturn I must punish them repeatedly on my Victorian Cross." "You know," Angie offered. "I have a riding crop you could use if you wanted." Mistress 9's eyes narrowed as she looked at Angie. Scott immediately clamped a hand over Angie's mouth, smiling as happily as he could as he backed away from the front door. "Sorry to have bothered you. We'll just be going now, thanks. Um...happy whippings!" No longer paying any attention to the authors, Mistress 9 closed the front door behind herself and returned to disciplining Mimete for being such an airhead. Left alone to their own cool devices (more bonus points & cookies for the otaku who gets that reference), Kate, Andrea and Scott tried to say something coherent about that rather out of character thing for Hotaru. Kate was the first to actually find her voice. "She had a good grip on that whip." "That was just twisted," Scott stated, flipping through the script. "There has to be an explanation for that somewhere. Hey! According to the character profile included with the script, this Hotaru's hobbies include spanking and...(o.O) Um, I don't think I can repeat that one in public." "I didn't see anything wrong," Andrea said. "How about you, Angie?" Angie merely gave Scott a strange expression. "Happy whippings? What the hell kind of thing to say is that?" "I panicked!" Scott protested. "I've heard horror stories about the Scouts going into a Red Queen/Dominatrix mode." "You didn't see me protesting, did you?" "But you're already perverted!" Scott stated. "My skin chaffs easily." Kate nodded in agreement. "I may like a little rough-housing as much as the next person, but getting whipped by an evil harbinger of global annihilation does not fit into that category." "You two have no sense of adventure," Angie sighed. Both Kate and Scott glared at Angie. "You'd be the one holding the whip!" they chorused. "And your point is?" Kate grimaced. "Dominatrix gear? Oh my...." "Just a bit of fantasy latex and leather," Angie said, waving aside the innocent one's concerns. "Nothing too shocking." The chibi-otaku's eyes widened. "Really, Angie, be nice," Andrea pleaded. "We don't want to scare her away." "Hai, we want to scare her into our--" At that point the other two authors jumped on top of Angie, and all that could be seen was a dustcloud of arms and legs and feet. Kate shook her head. "I'm no longer scared. Now it's just a sort of numb acceptance." "Good!" came Angie's muffled voice from somewhere underneath the author dogpile. "Assimilating ahead of schedule!" She pulled herself out from underneath the other dazed writers. "Now you can finally get started on that hentai appearance for 'When Plutos Attack' that you wanted to write!" Scott's eyebrow raised a few notches as he looked over at the beet- red Kate. "You wanted to write a lemonfic?" Angie dabbed at her eyes with Kleenex. "Hai, she did! And I am so proud! Congratulations, Kate-chan; you're on your way to learning the power of the Perv! Hotcha!" "The...Perv?" the lone male otaku groaned. Kate sighed, giving up. "You've gotta try anything once." She stared at the ecchi-otaku's overjoyed grin. "But only once, Angie!" "Once is usually more than enough times for anyone in a lemonfic," Scott dryly remarked. "For both readers and Senshi." "Hai! But there are so many things to try!" Angie took off running for her toy box. "Sit tight till I get back! Gotta find my tickle whip!" And off she ran, evil giggles trailed behind her. "No, no, no, Angie-chan!" Andrea called out, trailing after Angie. "I keep telling you the feather duster is more fun!" "It's too late to run, isn't it?" Kate asked in a quiet voice. Scott nodded. "You're waaaaaaay beyond 'too late'." * * * At another apartment, Kate and Andrea watched the other two authors pace the hallway. To their left was the front door of the only primary male character in Sailormoon. No one was eager to knock and try their luck with him. "I don't want Mamoru in a hentaific," Angie sighed. "I just want a sea of naked female soldiers." A hungry look came over her face. "All you can eat buffet...." "Well I'm not exactly thrilled either, but he's in the script," Scott said. Andrea just shrugged. "Who are we to argue then?" "It's your call; I'm just here for the ride," Kate stated, suddenly realizing she was still in her pyjamas--and had been for the past few scenes. But who really pays attention to such details as costume changes? Not this narrator! Reluctantly, they knocked on Mamoru's door. A few moments later, Mamoru appeared. "Hi," Angie said. "We're some Sailormoon hentai authors, and we were wondering if you would be interested in a role in our fic." Mamoru shook his head. "Sorry, but when it comes to hentai, I only work with Mokona." "PUUU!" came a loud, shrilling uber-kawaii voice from inside the apartment. And with that, he closed the door. Angie: --;; "Do that forever." Andrea: o.O;; "......" Kate: [???] "'Puuu'? What kind of an animal says that?" Scott: [blink blink!] "The demonic, rabbity-marshmallow kind. Now there's an Anime crossover that I could have lived without." Angie: [shaking her head] "The Magic Knights are going to be pissed when they track those two down." * * * With almost all their intended Senshi due to arrive at the Fire River temple later that evening, the four would-be lemon authors decided to celebrate by having an early dinner at the Crown restaurant. And they had reason to be pleased with their progress: all but two of the nine core Senshi were accounted for. Strangely enough, Setsuna hadn't been guarding the gates of time when they came calling. Now while Scott figured that, as Sailor Pluto, she had seen them coming a decade away and was hiding in a temporal broom closet somewhere, Andrea insisted that Setsuna was merely off on a bathroom break. Angie (who had stayed behind and sulked at having to include a Pluto) was more than pleased about the character's absence. "Man, who would have thought that pulling off a hentaific could be so hard?" Scott sighed, flopping down in his chair. Kate was a little more naively optimistic. "But we've managed to get pretty much everyone signed on for the lemon." "Just thinking about Haruka...with her clothes off...." Angie broke into a lustful grin, giggling diabolically to herself. Scott waved to one of the waitresses. "We need a bib over here! Angie, stop fantasizing; how are we supposed to take this seriously when you're drooling all over your food? Right, Andrea?" He turned to Andrea, only to see her also drooling over rather explicit mental images of a certain Outer Senshi. Andrea: ^^ "Haruka...with her clothes off...." Kate: [waving to the waitress] "Better make that two bibs." Flipping through the script again, Scott suddenly realized that they still had yet to contact Makoto. And in no uncertain terms, he demanded fanservice from his queen goddess Senshi above all. Yet it was getting close for when they had to meet at the Fire River Temple. To visit Makoto meant an extra hour of travel, and all the foreplay would be missed! Oh, the humanity! What were they to do? "I'll handle this one," Andrea offered. "Can someone hand me a cell phone?" A pan-dimensional hand appeared from off-screen and promptly the phone to Andrea. Intuitively knowing Makoto's home phone number (What? She read the script), Andrea dialled up the last Senshi they wanted to feature. A few moments later, Makoto answered. "Hey, Mako-chan," Andrea said pleasantly. "Did you know there's a Sailor orgy at Rei's place tonight...yea, around eightish...no, don't bring a friend, just yourself. We've got more than enough...sure, you can bring a scarf. The one that we--yeah, that's the one!" Scott: o.O;; "--yes...yes...Okay! Cool! See you there then, kay? Bye!" And with that, Andrea hung up and tossed the cellular phone back over the pan-dimensional hand waiting off-screen. Scott simply stared at her. "A call? That was all she needed?" "You just have to know how to speak their language," Andrea stated. "Makoto's admiration/infatuation with Haruka makes her an easy target for this kind of thing. Much like myself. We clicked from the start." Scott nodded, and then paused in thought. "Come to think of it, how can they understand us when they speak in Japanese, and we speak in English?" Kate looked puzzled as well. "That is strange. What really confuses me is how the Scouts and the readers can keep track of the story when we keep switching from dub to sub each time one of us speaks." "Who cares?" Angie replied, waving the valid points aside. "It's a hentaific; those sorts of details just detract from the sex!" "Heaven forbid there be an actual story," Scott glibly remarked. He got cuffed upside the back of the head by three rolled-up scripts for that. Angie: [dramatic pose!] "Now then, let's freshly squeeze us a lemonfic!" Andrea: ^-^ "Hai!" Kate: "Should I change clothes for this?" Scott: [sigh!] "I'm not getting paid enough for this turkey." * * * Meanwhile, somewhere in a temporal bathroom, the fifth and silent co-author of this turkey--er, work of erotic genius, was busy discovering just how fluffy Setsuna's bath towels were. "Why aren't you doing anything in the fic?" the Soldier of Time asked, absently twirling her time key in her hands. His lordship Chaos shrugged, striking an "I'm too sexy" pose in front of the mirror. "Sorry, but I'm lactose intolerant; that much perverted fromage in one place could kill me." Setsuna frowned. "Aren't you one who's financing this little lemon?" His lordship Chaos feigned innocence and tried to change the subject to something a little less incriminating. "Um...look, a bubble bath!" And without really thinking how much of a twit he'd look like, he promptly flung himself--clothes and all--right into the Victorian era bathtub that had conveniently appeared. Of course we could claim that Setsuna had secured it a few centuries ago. But since continuity in either character, plot or setting was never an issue in a hentai, who cares?! "Care to join me?" His lordship Chaos asked, trying to swat the hordes of bubbles off his shirt. Setsuna shrugged her shoulders as she joined him in the bubble bath. "I'll just pretend you're Endymion," she said, grabbing the ends of her sailor fuku and then tearing it apart to reveal a two-piece bikini. His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "It's good to be the author." * * * Makoto entered the small room to see Minako laying on a soft bed, clad in nary a thing--save for a little black thong. Her heart skipped a beat when Minako acknowledged her presence with a tempting smile. Makoto responded by ripping off the blonde's thong with her teeth. The brunette straddled the blonde and began playing hide-and-seek with her tongue on Minako's body. The first playing field was the bountiful cleavage, but she soon started looking for new grounds down south. Makoto was somewhat surprised to discover her own clothes being shed. She wasn't doing it herself, as she had her hands full with Minako's full bounty. And Minako was so enraptured that she was having trouble just running her hands through the brunette's hair. Naturally Makoto was thankful for the assistance, regardless of who was providing the service. Having reached the promised land, Makoto didn't even notice the third player climbing onto her back until she pressed her own breasts against the brunette. When the lady in question began to nibble on Makoto's ears, the brunette smiled. Not only because of the attention, but because she saw the lock of blue hair falling beside her face. Minako was oblivious to all of this however, thanks to Ami stimulating Makoto's actions even moreso. Makoto was now in mid-orgasm, pressing herself against Minako. Feebly the two smaller girls attempted to roll the brunette onto her back, with Ami moving upwards to her large breasts and Minako teasing her womanhood with her delicate fingers. Ami's own mouth prevented Makoto's words from being heard, though the rather pleasant-sounding moans caused Minako to set her hand forth into entering the Senshi of Thunder. "That's not very fair now is it, Minako-chan?" pouted Ami as she realized she was being upstaged by the blonde. She grinned seductively while turning towards Minako, and began to assume a position only her scientific mind could have calculated. With Makoto on her back and Minako kneeling between her legs, Ami began to twist her way between them so that her head was about to reach Minako's golden mine while her own blue harvest was near the brunette's brown forest. Minako, with only her left hand free as Makoto was engulfing her right, began to caress the genius' thighs and enter her as she still had the now-shuddering Makoto. Ami began to flick her tongue as if she were a rattlesnake, causing Minako to gaze down hungrily at the blue-haired girl's breasts. She frowned when she realized that both her hands were effectively 'bound' by both her partners. "Then you'll have to punish me, Ami-chan," she moaned. "Wait! Hold it!" Minako blinked in surprise from the new voice, and looked up from Ami's...assets...and over to a trio of authors standing off-scene. Andrea shook her head as she consulted her copy of the script. "Minako, the line says 'gasp!' not 'moan!'," she said. "You're completely ruining the dramatic tension here." Angie appraised the hentai scene in front of them. "But the only thing tensing up here is Makoto's--" "Thank you, Angie," Scott cut in. "When we want an extra lemon line, we'll pencil it into the script, okay?" He sighed and started to scribble down something on a notepad. "Looks like we'll have to reshoot from the start of the scene. Could we get some techies in here to mop up the floor?" * * * A typical sleepover at Rei's included the usual game of truth or dare--which most commonly involved a few embarrassing circumstances, gossip about who liked who, and the occasional odd hairdo. This always tended to end if Haruka and Michiru participated, and brought the wine. Makoto was the first one to claim some alcohol for herself; it would loosen her mind, helping her create some intriguing dares. But in truth, all it did was cause her to not notice Haruka and Michiru convincing Ami to crawl under the table and loosen her skirt. With a yelp Makoto suddenly dove under the table to meet her attacker. To the others, it looked like they had lost Ami somewhere underneath the table--along with most of Makoto. Not that too many were paying attention. Haruka and Michiru had gotten into tempting Rei; the miko was now practically hunting Usagi with her eyes. Suddenly Rei leapt into the air, tackling Usagi to the ground and bringing a hapless Minako down with them. Suddenly a large monster burst into the room, naughty tentacles waving in every direction! Needless to say, this rather startled the Senshi. Not to mention the four authors. "What the?! That guy's not in the script!" Scott exclaimed. "What's that oversexed demon doing?" "Oh, I'd say it's pretty obvious," Angie remarked nonchalantly, watching with mild interest as a number of the Senshi got an extra hand (or tentacle, depending on how you look at it) in their gang bang. She abruptly tilted her head sideways. "I had no idea Ami was so flexible." Andrea tilted her head sideways too. "And here I thought no one could get into that position." Scott groaned, smacking his forehead. "You two are not helping with the filming here. And...and we're going to need a bigger mop and bucket." "You see that?" Angie remarked, pointing to the waggling tendrils. "That, Kate, is what is in Urotsuki Doji." Kate could only gawk in disbelief. A concerned Scott waved a hand in front of her face, but got no reaction. Scott: [sweatdrop!] "I think we broke her, Angie." Angie: ^^ [tee hee!] "They look so cute when their brains come to a grinding halt." Clapping her hands together she motioned to the demon. "Ne, that's enough, Izzy-chan!" Kate turned to Andrea in surprise. "Izzy-chan?" At her command the tentacle beast stopped its 'perusal' of the Senshi and slithered their way, shrinking in the process. When it was finally at Angie's feet, it resembled a kawaii little tentacled & perverted beanie baby...as much of a contradiction as that sounds. "I can't leave you alone for a minute!" she scolded it. Scott promptly facevaulted. "You know that thing?!" She took the super-deformed tentacle monster into her arms and began to pet it. "This is our new mascot, Scott-chan! I found him wondering the studios while ya'll were at the time gate. Isn't he kawaii?" Scott's eyebrow couldn't stop twitching. "You NAMED it?" he demanded in a very unimpressed voice. The chibi-tentacle monster looked Scott's way. Izzy-chan: ^^ [waving a tentacle] "Ohayo!" Scott: [tossing the script over his shoulder] "That's it. I'm leaving." * * * Giggling a little, Minako stretched out towards the sandy-blonde patch of pubic hair. "And if I just reach...." "Ooooh, tasty," Michiru drawled, licking her fingers clean. "Ne, Haruka, you should try some of Rei's love juices." Haruka herself was busy with Makoto. "In a moment, Michiru." "Mmmmmm...." Usagi purred. "Careful now," Ami cautioned. "It's getting wet and I don't want to slip." Rei's eyes closed in sheer pleasure. "A little more...." "This'll hurt, but it'll be worth it!" Haruka whispered into Makoto's ear. "A little mo--GOT IT!" Minako exclaimed happily. Ami turned her head. "Usagi?" And just as a number of them were about to reach their climax all at once, they got interrupted by the authors yet again. Angie groaned, approaching the 'players' once more. "Not again!" she lamented, throwing her hands into the air. "How many times do we have to do this orgy? Usagi, you're supposed to be over *there*, Ami's hands are supposed to *here*. And Minako, you're facing the wrong direction. You're licking the wrong part of Haruka!" Andrea: [sigh!] "Who would have thought a daisy chain would require so much co-ordination?" Kate: [pouting] "I still think it would have looked better if Rei and Michiru switched places." Scott: --;; "I still can't believe we're acting so professional about something so ridiculous. And what the hell is ChibiChibi doing here?!" "Chibi," the red-haired, diabetic-inducing toddler squeaked, happily seated in the director's chair and stealing one of Scott's complimentary cookies. Kate laughed at ChibiChibi's antics. "She followed me here. Can we keep her?" "So long as that little twerp stays out of our perverted masterpiece," Angie growled. "Andrea, get over here and help me straighten out Makoto. Bring the duct tape too, while you're at it. And a sponge." Izzy: [reclining in Angie's director's chair] "Why use a sponge when I'm here?" Scott: --;; "Shut up." Izzy: >p "You're just jealous because my size fits all, and yours doesn't." Scott: [warily glancing over at Angie] "I am so going to kick your tentacled ass when this hentaific over, buddy." And, more often than not, the words 'hentaific' and 'continuity' are oxymorons unto themselves. Ne? But we're certainly not going to admit that here, since that essentially demeans this lemon...and no one likes to be demeaned in a lemonfic. So let's all smile a happy smile, and continue watching the Senshi strip down for our viewing pleasure. "You know," Scott remarked nonchalantly, twirling a pen around his fingers. "I can't help but wonder if we botched on the script here. I mean...is Amy really a moaner, or is she a screamer?" "Oooh, Mister Good Conscience has a perverted side after all," Angie giggled, playfully elbowing Scott in the ribs. The male co-author's face got rather flustered at that. "I'm a perfectionist, okay?" he protested. "The readers are going to be critical as it is when they start reading this lemon, and I don't want to make Amy seem out of character if we depict her as a moaner when she is in fact a screamer." Kate looked puzzled. "Screamer?" "I always pictured her as a screamer," Andrea stated. "It's that whole sexual repression bit." "What's a screamer?" Kate asked again. "Nah, Ami's a moaner," Angie insisted. "Here, I'll have Scott go and prove it to you." Scott: o.O "WHAT?!" Angie: ;p "He's so cute when he panics." "What's a screamer?" Kate exclaimed. The other authors turned to the young ingenue writer. A catlike grin appeared on Angie's face as she leaned closer to Kate. "A screamer," she informed Kate. "is a woman who screams when she climaxes." Kate gawked, suddenly knowing what a moaner was by the same token. And if any of you readers are still asking yourselves what a moaner is, you really do need to get your own perverted dictionary. Might this narrator recommend the Encyclopedia Hentannica? But back to the hentai! Suddenly a loud chuckle echoed across the building. And before security was able to do anything, in leapt Tuxedo Kamen in a vain effort to salvage whatever was left of this turkey. Of course...his effort might have been a little better had he not been butt nekkid, save for his mask, hat and cape. "Behold!" the nekkid Mamoru said, striking a pose before the stunned Senshi and lemon authors. "Gaze upon my mighty rod born of love! What do you have to say about this?" "Chibi chibi," ChibiChibi replied, pointing at his *ahem!* deli meat. Then she began giggling so hard that she collapsed onto the floor in uncontrollable laughter. Andrea couldn't hide her smirk. "I wouldn't go so far and say it's *that* small," she said. "However...." "The bonsai tree in my bedroom's much bigger," Scott remarked nonchalantly, glancing up from his technical notes. Angie just started snickering. Whether it was towards Tuxedo Kamen's appearance or Scott's comment was something only she knew. Several techies glanced at Tuxedo Kamen and started screaming "MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!" while running away. And there should be a solemn note added here: more techies (not to mention readers) are killed each fic because they are blinded by the wrong kind of nudity. Remember, only you can prevent unsightly wrinkles in the plot. Such as this one! "Is it supposed to bend that way?" Kate asked, tilting her head sideways. "I don't think it is." And so, an utterly embarrassed Mamoru quickly shuffled out from the building. Now let us never speak of him in this lemon again. Andrea: "We could have done better had Seiya shown up like that." Kate: "And how would *you* know?" Andrea: [smiling coyly] "Are you sure you want to know?" Scott: [placing a hand over Kate's mouth] "No, she doesn't. Can we just get on with the lemon before my car gets towed?" * * * "Minna, how do I look?" asked Rei, clad in a brand new red kimono. Usagi quickly answered for her friends. "You look GREAT, Rei-chan!" She then began to slowly untie her own stark white kimono with a playful grin. "But you know I think you look delicious without any clothes on at all...." "Oh, I agree, " stated Mina as she too shed her kimono, a bright orange number. Soon ones of pale blue, hunter green, aquamarine and sandy opal followed, with Rei's red kimono landing at the top of the pile. Seconds later seven naked Senshi converged on that point as well. Quickly the women paired off. Haruka and Michiru wasted little time, nor did Rei and Usagi. Minako set to work on an already vocal Makoto, while Ami merely sat back and watched happily as she worked with herself. Naturally seven occupants leads to one woman left out, unless the participants get creative. Upon seeing Ami all alone, Usagi leaned changed positions. This left Ami's bottom accessible to Rei. Immediately Rei took advantage of the situation. Teasing Ami's thighs, she soon realized that she'd need some assistance in quenching her blue-haired friend's hunger, so that they'd climax at the same time. Reaching blindly she found a suitably-shaped object and brought it between Ami's legs. *Spludgy spludgy!* Ami's muscles clamped around the henshin, and she gasped at the sound of her own flowing juices. *Spludgy spludgEEEEEEEEEE!!!!* Scott winced, quickly throwing off his headset. "Damn! Someone turn the bass level down!" He covered his ears momentarily to try and ensure his hearing was still intact. "That reverb nearly blew out my eardrums." Everything came to yet another grinding halt, the Senshi taking the unexpected break to relax and stretch. Andrea led a couple of now-seeing techies up to the pile of naked soldiers, to figure out what the problem was. "Everyone, we might as well take ten," Angie announced. She focused her attention on the Senshi. "Buffet--er Ladies, you're doing wonderful. We'll get you all greased up and shiny for the next scene in another five minutes. Excellent stamina, and very good lung capacity. Ne, Scott, did you know Makoto could moan from the diaphragm like that?" But still being somewhat deaf, Scott could only give her a confused expression. "Huh?" Angie looked back to Makoto, who was sprawled somewhere between Michiru's thighs, Rei's cleavage and Usagi's ankles. "See? He adores ya." "Found the problem," Andrea spoke up. "The boom mike was too close to Rei's henshin." "I thought she was doing a wonderful job," Ami purred from amidst the tangle of undone kimonos around her. Scott was still trying to regain his internal balance. "Who would have thought that sound effects could be so dangerous?" he lamented. The bustle of techies was suddenly broken by a high pitched wail. Everyone other than Scott turned to look at the source of the noise. A rather surprised--if not agitated--Kate Butler was busy chasing a frantic chibi-tentacle monster across the room, bent on squashing it with the director's chair. Andrea: [coy grin] "Well, what do you know? Kate-chan's a screamer after all." Angie: [eye roll!] "Bad Izzy-chan! She's not ready for that yet." Izzy: o.O "But they're so ripe at that stage!" Kate: [lobbing the chair] "I am not a piece of fruit, you perverted mascot!" Andrea: [shaking her head] "I'm wearing chainmail underwear for the rest of this fic." Scott: [still deaf] "What?" * * * Setsuna: [still in the bubblebath] "You know, the readers might be a little confused with where this lemon is going. Do you think that we should summarize for them what's happened so far?" His lordship Chaos: "No." * * * "Shouldn't we be studying?" "But we already spent three hours helping Usagi with her English!" "Oh, come on, Minako-chan," Rei sighed in exasperation. "You know that she only learns a word per hour!" Makoto crossed her arms over her chest. "Rei-chan, you shouldn't be so mean to Usagi-chan." "You aren't much better at English than she is, Mako-chan." Finally Usagi slammed her palms on the tabletop, surprising everyone. Silently they watched Usagi stand up and stare at them all. "Stop arguing everyone. I agree with Ami-chan...we SHOULD be studying." Usagi then began to disrobe. "But I don't think we should study a school subject," she coyly added. Ami quickly stood up in front of Usagi. "No, it should be a school subject." Ami suddenly began unbuttoning her blouse and grinned. "But sex education is a subject, ne?" "Oooh, good idea, Ami-chan," cooed Makoto as she adeptly removed her own school fuku. Silently voted teacher by the Senshi, Ami started towards the wall where she began to motion for help in removing her undergarments. Eager to assist, Minako and Makoto removed each other's as they approached Ami. Usagi and Rei had long forgotten that Haruka and Michiru had yet to arrive to help Usagi cram for her English class, but they needn't have worried anyways. The two Outers were currently preoccupied in Haruka's sports coupe. Having handily removed Ami's unmentionables, the red-bowed blonde and the brunette hoisted the smaller girl onto the nearest wall, and began to have their way with their teacher. Ami's moaning caught the attention of Rei and Usagi, and they began crawling in that direction as Ami was thrust against the wall yet again. Suddenly said wall came crashing down with a resounding "THUD!!", and instead of the outside temple grounds, it instead revealed a number of surprised techies who were milling around and eating donuts. "Hey those are MY donuts!" yelled Scott. "Well," Andrea dryly remarked. "That killed the mood. Got any Boston Cream left?" Ami sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "If that isn't the epitome of coitus interuptus, I don't know what is." Andrea turned around, her lips covered in chocolate from the donuts. "Try Sicily." The blue-haired Senshi turned a quizzical face to the co-author. "Na ni?" Sighing, Andrea mumbled, "Never mind. Stupid Human Sexuality course with stupid non-useful information...with a stupid, stupid C." A five minute break was called as a number of spare techies scrambled to rebuild the temple set. Thankfully, the hammering and shouts were kept to a minimum. Not that Scott could have really heard it after the reverb incident. "Say," he remarked, flipping through the script. "I was going over continuity, and I just realized that Usagi is completely out of character. I mean, where did Mamoru disappear to?" Kate gestured to the exit door. "Oh, he's probably nursing his wounded ego somewhere." "No, in the lemon itself," Scott corrected her. "Why is he absent? Why hasn't Usagi noticed this? And just why are Haruka and Michiru having their own make-out session between takes?" The three authors stopped their discussion and slowly turned to the two Outer Senshi. Yes, Haruka and Michiru were quite enthralled with ad- libbing (as it were) their own scenes for the lemon. "Save some of that for the fic, you two!" Andrea shouted. Angie sighed in exasperation. "Honestly, their libido has no regard for our schedule," she said as she walked over to the necking couple, and shooed Michiru away. Then, much to everyone's surprise, Angie started to strip down along with Haruka. Angie: ^^ "I'll just have to take the responsibilities for this sex scene myself!" "Hey, no fair!" Andrea exclaimed, pouncing on Haruka. "I called dibs on her first!" A sweatdrop appeared next to Scott's head as he watched the two female authors fight over Haruka. "Oh, the sacrifices you two make for a respectable hentai." "Call me, Emporess-sama!" Angie proclaimed, tearing off her shirt and wantonly flinging it in Scott's face to silence him. Underneath she was wearing a fuku. But not just ANY fuku. "Is that a hentai version of Saturn's uniform?" Kate asked, eyes widening in fear. "Hai!" Andrea stripped out of her own revealing a similar version of Neptune's. "Specially-made Cosplaying hentai fuku!" Kate: [blink blink!] "Well they certainly don't hide anything." Scott: --;; "You see what I have to work with here, Kate." "Yea, and you should see the modifications she made to my Glaive!" Angie chortled. "Attachment city!" "Call me Ruka-chan," Haruka purred. "I'd prefer you call me that later when you're screaming out my name." Scott: o.O [nosebleed!] "I could use some Kleenex over here!" Havoc: ^-^ "While we're at it, complimentary Jello for the cast and crew!" [Everyone pauses and slowly turns to Havoc.] Havoc: "What?" Angie: [salutes Havoc while still holding onto her Haruka!] "Hentenno on deck!" Andrea: [growl] "WHOSE HARUKA?!" Scott: "So should we be at ease now or what?" Havoc: "Never! The Hentenno's hentai muscles are never limp!" Chaos: --;; "Havoc, let's talk about subtlety and self-gratuitous crossovers." Havoc: "But the Hentenno wants his Rule Three! Hentenno wants his rampant lesbianism!" Chaos: [turning to Scott] "I tried. You're on your own with him." Havoc: ^^ [leaping into Kate Butler's bosoms--er, arms!] "Hotcha! Kate-chan, come for Hentenno!" Kate: o.O "He's certainly agile." Yet as the tug of war continued between Andrea and Angie over Haruka (who said she was more than willing to be shared by both of them), Scott could only groan at how ridiculous this lemon had become. Usagi was desperately trying to tie Rei up with some spare pantyhose, but even her handy guidebook "Kinky Knots for Dummies" couldn't save the foreplay. Ami let loose with the whipped cream, spraying the fluffy yet delicious foam all over the other Senshi. And for some reason, a large bathtub full of lime-green Jello was wheeled into the set, drawing Makoto to it instantly. It took her a good thirty seconds to pin Minako in a game of anything-goes, martial arts nekkid Jello wrestling. And a now nekkid Kate (courtesy of Havoc) found herself yanked into the Jello tub along with them. The fact that Havoc had stolen every last panty on the set, (including a chainmail ones) and now had a small army of drafty techie girls stampeding after him--and right over Chaos in the process--wasn't helping the situation either. "I can only pray this doesn't come back to haunt me," Scott groaned, massaging his temples. [Cue Dominatrix Michiru!] Scott: o.O;; With a hapless "jo'o-sama" look about him, Scott shrank into super-deformed mode as he gazed up at the leather-clad, whip-toting glory that was Dominatrix Michiru. She grinned and gave her whip a playful tug. "Ara, so these authors think they can steal my Ruka-chan from me, do they?" she inquired, licking her lips. "What are you looking at me for?!" a terrified Scott exclaimed, frantically pointing over at Angie and Andrea. "I'm not the one fondling your Ruka-chan's bosoms!" Dominatrix Michiru shrugged. "You have a point; I'll deal with those two momentarily." A diabolical grin appeared on her face as Michiru leaned closer to Scott's panicky face. "But don't think that means we're letting you off the hook, Summerton." [Cue Dominatrix Makoto!] Scott: o.O;; "I don't know whether I should flee or worship her." And so, as this rather idiotic hentai comes to a close, we are reminded about what that famous poet said two hundred years ago. Actually...no, we don't remember what that guy said. So much for ending this fic with some poignant, philosophic slice of life. But then again, since when has ANY lemonfic ended on an intellectually provocative note? So with that said, bring on the hard-core nudity! Usagi: "Oooh...Minako! Lick me more!" Minako: "Silly rabbit; licks are for kids!" Chibiusa: ^^ "Did somebody call for me?" [Chibiusa is unceremoniously crushed by a Black Moon attack ship. Sailormoon otaku everywhere rejoice.] Ami: "Minako, wait! I've got the whipped cream to go with your Jello!" Kate: [sigh!] "These Jello stains are never going to come out." Havoc: ^-^ "Then we must do the only honourable thing: take off your clothes, Kate-chan! Better yet, let me take them off for you!" Kate: o.O; Angie: [clinging to Haruka's back] "I still say I deserve the first round with MY Ruka-chan. After all, I've got magic fingers!" Andrea: [clinging to Haruka's thighs] "That hardly sounds fair! I want to tongue-lash Haruka myself!" Haruka: ^-^ "I could get used to this." Dominatrix Michiru: [yanking on her whip] "Don't push your luck, Ruka-chan. You belong all to me." Haruka: ^-^;; "H-Hai." Andrea: "I may not be Neptune, but I played one at the Otakon convention! Haruka belongs to me!" Rei: [still tied up] "Ne, I didn't know Scott was into S&M." Scott: [frantically bowing down!] "Hime hime hime hime hime!" Angie: "So all it took was an S&M Makoto to get him to use the Japanese?" Dominatrix Makoto: [whipping Scott] "Don't call me princess, you petty excuse for a hentai author! Call me the Queen!" Scott: o.O [ack!] "JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA JO'O-SAMA!!!" And there you have it: the end. Whatever the hell kind of ending that was, we haven't the slightest clue. Just be glad the fic's over, people. This fanfic was brought to you today by the numbers 6 & 9, and the Rule 3 (yes indeed, rampant lesbianism needs no excuses). On your way out, don't forget to visit our merchandise stand and buy some official "Pretty Fly (For A Hentai)" Passion Papaya-scented panties! [Back at the temporal bubblebath....] Setsuna: [sultry smile] "You know, all this hentai is getting me a little turned on. Care to help me scrub my back?" His lordship Chaos: [playing with a rubber ducky] "Hm? You say something, Setsuna?" Setsuna: --;; [sigh!] "Nevermind." [Cue the obligatory "Author's Notes" segment!] "EMPORESS" ANGIE: (Reclining on a leather couch and petting her Izzy-chan a la Bond Villain) Ah, what a fic, what a glorious display of rule 3. What can I say? I sure as hell never expected anything like this, let ALONE to involve author demi-gods (i.e: Chaos). Thank Kami-sama he's so twisted, he enjoyed me and Scott-chan's little fanfic which blatantly ripped off his own. When I first came up with the idea I kept looking up towards the ceiling in fear of falling cows. Angie: [cowering under her little umbrella] "Kowai!" Anywho, thanks to anyone and anything that has contributed to my overall inner-ecchiness and dementia. Speaking of which, me and Izzy-chan need to run. (sigh) So many anime babes to ravish with stray tentacles, so little time. Scott: [eyebrow twitch] "The damned thing is PERMANENT?!" Angie: "Hai! (grin darkens) What, you have a problem with Izzy-chan? (Points her glaive at Izzy) I think Scott-chan needs another 'demonstration'." (Izzy hops off Angie's lap and grows to his massive size and waves a tentacle in the dub-boy's direction) Izzy: "Really Scott-kun you should know better than this by now." Scott: "Tentacles... (Eyes widen as he begins to run away in total SDed mode) BAD THINGS!" Angie: [still reclining while absently playing with the garnet in her hands] "I can't wait to get back to "When Plutos Attack!" with him as the femme of the day...." -Emporess Angst88@aol.com http://www.pimptite.com/anime.htm SCOTT SUMMERTON: I'd like to thank everyone involved for their full commitment which was far above and beyond the call of duty when we first began this project. Everyone gave their all at each and every opportunity, and that's something you don't see very often in this day and age. They were all fantastic and I'd thank them all by name if I wasn't afraid I'd leave someone out. It was truly a privilege to be involved in this and I can't stress enough how great a group of people they are. If any of you are ever lucky enough to be honoured by working with them then cherish those moments because the memories of the experience will last with you forever. Finally, I'd just like to say-- What?! What do you mean this isn't my Academy Awards acceptance speech?! Endnotes? I don't know anything about any fanfic endnotes...oh, you mean *these* ones. Um...it was a neat fic. Angie: ^-^ "Scott no ecchi." Scott: [sweatdrop!] "I... uh... I was preoccupied! Yeah! Preoccupied because of how surprising and... ah hell who am I kidding. Screw it! I'll be in my trailer..." -Scott Summerton thrawn27@hotmail.com http://www.muskoka.com/~summertn ANDREA READWOLF: Andrea: [giggling under the covers of a large king-sized bed] "Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I tell you about that! SEIYA!" Angie: [rips back covers and points accusing finger] "What's *HE* doing here!" Andrea: [pouting] "What? I was getting bored with all the girls-girls-girls-girls-girls! I needed some new meat to play with." Angie: "That's just sick!" Andrea: [secretive smile] "Hey! Just think of it this way: the best of two worlds!" [Andrea snaps fingers and male Seiya becomes very much feminized.] Andrea: "See!" Kate: [popping her head in to the picture] "Hello? End-notes? Author notes? I know you usually don't do them, Andrea, but this is no time for you to indulge in gratuitous sex scenes." [Kate pauses...and a stunned looked comes over her face] Kate: "I can't believe I just *said* that...and worse! I knew what I was talking about!" Andrea and Angie look at one another, proud smiles on their faces. "She's learning!" the two cohorts in crime chorus. Meanwhile, a dark-haired Senshi started nibbling on Andrea's neck and reaping appreciative moans.... Angie + Kate: "ANDREA!!!!" Andrea: [snapping back to attention] "What?! Oh, right. Um...Yea, this is the end. Hope you enjoyed... have a nice life... oh, and someone hit the lights on their way out." [Andrea pulls covers back over her and her bed fellow and something that closely resembles the snapping of fingers was heard.] Angie: "I *heard* that!" Andrea: [muffled by giggles] "Hey! At least he's not fourteen!" -Andrea Readwolf readwolf@ufl.edu KATE BUTLER: ::finishes reading over the fic and giggles with a slightly proud smile upon her face:: Wow! I didn't think I was THAT perverse! ::glances up from thick stack of papers (namely, the fic) and stares at the audience nervously:: Umm... ::blush:: Now that I have been thoroughly corrupted by both Angie and Scott ("Plutos"...errmm...) and now Havoc, Izzy, and Gosh-knows who else... ::sweet smile:: I think that I can say...THIS IS ALL ANDREA'S FAULT! Okay, so it's not *ALL* Andrea's fault. It's Angie's fault. And Scott's. And Chaos' fault, too. But it's REALLY not mine! Really! I'm the innocent one! I swear it! ::sighs:: You don't believe me, do you? Well, I guess I hope that you enjoyed this little romp through sex and mayhem and leather and whips and perverse humour. And by the way, if you go to my school and have read this, hit the back button right now and go away. And erase this from your memory... ...and PLEASE don't tell Bri-chan! -Kate Butler duncan@chicago.avenew.com HIS LORDSHIP CHAOS: In any and all cases, if you thought this hentai mockumentary was great twisted fun, I'll take all the credit for it! ^^ But if you thought that we should all be taken outside and spanked by the evil Sailor Starlights (icky transsexual Senshi wanna-be's that they are), then I had nothing to do with this! I was kidnapped, held against my will! They were going to shoot my Vash the Stampede plushie! Temporary insanity, that's all! TEMPORARY INSANITY!!! *Ahem!* Anyhoo, this curious addition to the ASMR's hentai page was the result of Emporess and Scott's "When Plutos Attack!" saga, which held a few tributes and references to my own deranged parody series "Curse of the Fanboys!!!" The Omake edition of WPA resulted in a lot of excellently-innuendoed one liners that I simply had to help abuse further. And so, with a little co-ordination and LOT of silly giggling, this fic was created. It was originally going to be entitled "Is That A Henshin In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?" but that got a little too long. Love it or hate it, you must admit that it echoes many of those oft-lamented clichés we see in Sailormoon romances. Ideally, if we've done our job right, you will smile and shake our hands *before* smacking us senseless with a Cutie Moon Rod. Now if you'll excuse me, I must sign off for now. My passion papaya-scented panties are chaffing me.... ^-^ -His lordship Chaos hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com carnage.fanfic.org YOU CAME FOR THE HENTAI. NOW STAY FOR THE MUSIC! [Cue the obligatory karaoke bit, featuring the Offspring...kinda] Spank me Michi-baby! Hotcha Hotcha! Spank me Ami-baby! Hotcha Hotcha! Spank me Mako-baby! Hotcha Hotcha! His lordship Chaos: ^^ "And all the Senshi say I'm pretty fly." Senshi: --;; "For a hentai." You know it's kinda hard just to write about foreplay These authors are unknown But they'll change that all today They may not have rhythm They sure don't have class But they get all their fans Just by showing Rei-chan's ass! Fellatio! And Jello! This fic's nothing but a Senshi striptease show! Go hear their sighs And grease their thighs With Vaseline! With Vaseline! So if you're unknown Make the sex overblown But if they read your fic, they'd prob'ly hate you anyways The Net needs lemonfics. The world loves a lemonfic! What the hell's with this lemonfic?! So--hey! hey!--do that hentai thing!